The day was easier. I’m not sure if my attention towards my mood lightened the day or if it was an easier day on its own; but either way there was less to complain about (if I was to complain at all).
The baby was calm, we met for a play date and spent an hour at the park, and the two year old fell asleep simply and easily for nap. The tantrums were less and we weren’t too bothered by the much needed rain that came and went throughout the day.
Why then did I find it harder to refrain from complaining when my husband got home? On top of the easier day, I also got an early anniversary gift, a package in the mail, and we rented an interesting movie. I was blessed. Talk about a nice day! Yet I complained. My complaints were tiny; a gripe about baby spit up going everywhere or the chicken I cooked on too high of heat. Sarcasm is engrained into the fabric of my daily speech and I’m starting to wish it wasn’t. It has its place, I grew up using it to laugh at unfortunate things I had to deal with… But I don’t need it as I did then.
Truthfully I think sarcasm is our own way of building a wall up so we don’t have to feel real feelings; good or bad. We’ve gotten accustomed to that here and I wish I knew how to change it. I desperately want to be okay with being happy, authentically happy. Not cracking jokes and surface value happy. Like feel it in your bones and your soul happy. That feeling of just knowing happiness. I guess that’s what we all pursue, some more seriously than others.
I think it can be scary to be that happy because life can show you the millions of ways it can tear that sacred happiness from your happy, smiling self. Luckily, I’m working on building faith and restoring hope that was so very clearly lost at some point. I find God comforting. Someone else may find meditation comforting. I’m not depressed, but I am not as happy as I want and deserve to be, but I don’t think many people are. Refraining from complaining has shown me that if anyone is robbing my happiness from myself, it’s me. It’s a choice.
On to day three!