My dear babies,
It shouldn’t have taken this long for me to get to this place, but finally I’ve arrived.
At last I am at ease, my emotions less contrived. I try to find comfort in my heart and in my mind, to be less stressed and try to be kind.
Hormones stole the joy and peace, but now the weight has lifted and I can pick up my broken self – piece by broken piece.
With you laying here on my chest, I feel each breath, each exhale, each stir that startles you. I hold you close because you need me, and truthfully I need you.
My heart it bleeds as I see what I need to be, perfect… no wait, that’s wrong I’m me and you need me and that’s all. My mind gets away from me.
My mind it wanders to who you’ll be, who I’ll be, what we will be together and how it can be,
That I was blessed with something as beautiful as motherhood, only to feel such happiness was hard to attain, it didn’t happen as it should.
This baby sleeping on my chest didn’t deserve a mom who can’t sleep, a mom who’s temper has shortened and who’s mind always wanders,
Into the dark spaces most avoid, because in those spaces happiness is lost.
I had to pull myself out of that space- the sleep deprived, confused, exhausted and angry space, to see the sun, my sons again.
I see you, both of you.
I see the brilliance of your little bodies that grew within me, and the maginificent wonder you find in everything.
I feel I’ve let you down but know this wasn’t a choice. My mind is my mind and in many ways it was broken before I knew brains could be broken.
It wasn’t my fault. It isn’t your fault.
Soon you will wake. Soon you will nap on your own, and with time passing quick you’ll soon not nap at all.
So I will cherish each nap, each time I can cuddle you, each hug, each kiss. I’m thankful, I’m blessed and it’s time I allow myself to enjoy this,
This journey that fell upon me, when doctors told me it never could. Our journey together, we’ve misunderstood,
Together we can make it. Together. Me and you. Enjoying life. Enjoying you.