Yikes! This year is off to a quick start. Last year ended on a sour note, with a 29th birthday that left me with some unresolved emotional baggage entering the new year. Growing is painful, but unfortunately necessary.
Now I’m trying to shift my gaze from the pasts that haunt me towards what I now see as a hopeful future. Recently I shared a poem (of sorts) that I wrote about my deep, somewhat secret struggle with postpartum depression. I don’t always feel comfortable sharing about it, but I feel it’s necessary to bring to light us women who tend to feel brushed under the rug, left to suffer in lonely, shameful silence. So here I am, and I’m here with hope.
My church does a thing which I’m sure many people do, pick a word going into the new year that will guide you and remind you of your goal(s). I –of course– couldn’t simply think of one word and leave it at that. No I came up with two words that coincide with each other in my life.
Patience and happiness.
In almost every area of my life I need more patience. I need to be more patient with those I love. I need to be more patient with strangers I live alongside. I need to be more patient with myself. Most of all I need to be more patient with God. I need to realize I AM NOT IN CONTROL! Never have been and never will be. And that is extremely uncomfortable for me. Cue anxiety.
Secondly, part of why I started this blog and what I feel is a central purpose of my life, and of all life, is happiness. The joy to counter the sorrow. I struggle immensely with finding happiness and I’m just now figuring out a missing piece of the puzzle: me, letting go. Letting go of the control may be my saving grace. If I can trust God to provide me with the life I hope for, rather than spend my days obsessing and stressing, imagine the weight that would lift off my back!
I don’t know how to go about this and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no clue how to live a fuller life with God leading the way and I think part of that is scary. It’s new and uncomfortable but I can’t grow in the confined box I’ve built around myself currently. It’s not going to happen. Changes, tiny ones even, are going to get me started in the right direction. From there I have to live by faith.
I’ve been implementing so many things into my life that have improved it greatly, but I’m not where I want to be yet. Not by a long shot. I kept denying it or refusing to adapt and I was my own worst enemy. I’m praying that with some patience and a continued road towards happiness I will finally arrive in a place where I am content and at peace; which, I’m sure most of us can relate to such aspirations in life.