I’ve been immersed into a life I never thought I’d be in, in a good way. As a teen I told everyone I’d never get married. I was sure that I didn’t need a man, I have some deeply rooted trust and relationship issues. Then against all my horrible judgment, I found a man who was worthy, really really worthy. Suddenly marriage was on the horizon and I’d replaced the first taboo with a new one; children. Proudly I would boast of my dreams and the lack of babies which it held, blind to the unforeseeable future.
Foot insert mouth.
Fast forward to now, not only did I have my first born at 5 years of marriage, I decided to up the game and throw in a second not even two years after. Two little ones under the age of three, that’s what my future held. And how they’ve changed me so.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the day I began dipping my toes into the deep, wide world of parenting. I would grab books I thought I’d need, read articles about all things kids, and I asked friends and family every question that popped into my head…and I thought this would somehow prepare me! It’s not until that tiny human exited my body after hours of wrenching pain and was welcomed Earth side that I was suddenly immersed into a new world with a very new and very different sense of self. No book can properly explain that, nor can it prepare your heart for the transformation about to occur.
Before I had a baby life was simple in so many ways. Work, school, nothing compares to the stressful reality that now my heart was out in the world, breathing, living, apart from me and exposed. It is incredibly humbling and equally terrifying. Prior to baby life was about tending to my needs and instantly my life had become about not only caring for another person, but it was in fact my responsibility (with my husbands) to keep this child alive and nurture them into a kind, responsible human being who functions well in society. No pressure.
Immersion is better tolerated when you can expect the result, if you’ve jumped into a cold pool you’ll recall the sensation and know what to expect. A child learning to swim will recall the pain from water going into their nose and upon jumping in a second time will know to plug their nose or hold their breath; they practice a response based on past experiences. As I immersed myself into motherhood the sensation took over and I lost a part of myself with the newness of it all. Postpartum depression was a result of being immersed so deep that I began drowning myself to the point where I needed a hand out. That is ok. It happens and it isn’t my fault. Life doesn’t care whether or not we’re ready to be immersed into an experience, it happens either way. It’s how we continue to reach towards the surface until we can see the light again that is important to our journey and to our spirit.
It’s refreshing to continue immersing myself into the life of motherhood as my boys age. Similar to the way we submerge ourselves in the shower or bath on a daily basis, I too dive into my role as mother on a daily basis. Motherhood has woven itself into my life and I’m better for it– even if I jumped in the deep end in the beginning.